Finding the "Real You"

So today, I'd like to speak about the journey weight loss took me through to find the "real me" I know, it sounds cliche, but really it did happen.

Things that I thought really mattered, things that stressed me out, even things that made me happy, were just nothing when you broke it all down.  I used to be super stressed at work, trying to absorb all of my office problems, because I felt like I owed it to my doctor since he had hired me when I was over weight.  He gave me a chance when no one else in the industry would.  I would do anything to try to be the person that saved him from having a problematic day.  Then, there was times I would freak out about things that didn't go the way I had planned or even when things did happen at all.  I realized that those things were never ment to be if they didn't happen naturally and that in fact there are sometimes people just make mistakes.  All my life, I was raised with the importance of food being how you measured happiness, love, sadness, and guilt.  Which all things were completely unhealthy.  I do not blame my family for that crutch, because that is how they were raised - they were doing what they thought was best.  I am the one that took it to the next level and changed food to feelings.

That in itself was a revelation for me to discover.

I had just started fertility treatments in 2012, my grandmother's health was quickly declining and live 900 miles from her and my home town.  Most of my family understood that I could not return during her final days - and she had stated to me several times she did not want that.  Although I knew her wishes, some of my extended family had snide things to say behind my back, which hurt me.  Soon after my grandma's death in late March, my sister announces that she is pregnant.  I was still grieving the loss of the one woman on this earth that had accepted me for who I was no matter what condition I was in.  I felt like things were caving in.  Fertility treatments were not helping me to feel any relief either.  I was extremely sad, trying to hold it in, and on top of all of that - extremely jealous of my sister's pregnancy. My way to remedy that?  Food.  I baked things that reminded me of my grandma.  Blackberry cobblers, apple pies, lemon bars, mashed potatoes, fried chicken, chicken fried steak with white gravy and fried potatoes - you see where this is going.  I kept fighting those feelings with food and on top of all the physical changes with rapid weight gain and fertility treatments, that I felt like where not being properly monitored, had me all sorts of out of it.

As I completed the journal workings for Take Shape for Life in early 2013 - about May I started dealing with suppressed depression I had from my grandma death and the failed attempt to conceive.  After I was able to actually grieve both of those losses, I felt 100lbs lighter - lliterally.  When I looked in the mirror ... I actually seen a changed person.  Up until that point, I could not see me ... the new me.

Cliche or not .... weight loss helped me discover what was really important to me and how to actually deal with my emotions - not feeding my heart to fill it up.  Food is just my bodies fuel.